I AM love

Every year, I reshare one of my favorite poems as my Valentine's Day wish to everyone. I adore the message, the passionate delivery, and the detailed way in which the poet describes both the beauty of angst of what is ultimately an ode to self love.

Self love of course is the basis for our ability to love the world and others around us. After all, if we only have a surface level acceptance of our own being we can only experience love outside ourselves in the same cadence. Watch the ways in which you easily offer gestures of love and which ones trigger you to understand where your heart is more open or closed. Where we easily offer it are often the ways in which we wish others had given love to us in the past. Where we cringe, reject, or shy away from love offerings (giving or receiving) are often those that trigger an overactive nervous system that once rightfully protected us from imminent or perceived threat.

We can apply the same process to current events and causes. The ones that trigger us the most are typically the ones that are pointing us to older stories of feeling rejected, misjudged, unloved, not enough, bad, less than, or unsafe. Those that spark passion and deep interest are most likely the ones that move us to resolve triggered feelings or enhance the opposite feeling. For example, if we are moved to help animals it might be because we are resolving feelings of ignored innocence or because animals represent the unconditional love we've always needed.

Looking through this lens then, we can see how the pursuit of loving the Self is not a spectator sport. Most people, so afraid of the unavoidable discomfort that comes with the process of becoming curious, will consciously or unconsciously choose not to play and therefore not be as active of a participant in their own experience. We see the term 'self love' used so ubiquitously that the connotation is it's supposed to feel natural, light, and easy; or that it is synonymous with confidence. But in reality, loving ourselves requires that we get as deeply curious of the parts that are easy to love with the parts

that express themselves in an overactive nervous system by way of painful and shameful feelings.

I remember in the beginning phases of what I call my "awakening" to my I AM love presence, sitting in my therapist's office feeling absolutely miserable. I was showing physical signs of depression including hair loss, exhaustion, weight loss and more. And I will never forget what she said to me: "Danielle, if I asked you to say 'I love myself', what would you think of that?"

I was completely confused. What did that even mean? I was an accomplished young woman and anyone looking at me would say I was a confident one at that. I felt like a strong, take-no-prisoners person who managed to continue life despite having depression (I know this now as high functioning depression). I loved my family and my friends. In fact I had many, many friends. I was loved by many. What was this doctor talking about?

So I sat there and thought for a moment. Baffled, my answer was, "Fluffy."

"Fluffy?", she asked. Yes. It sounded like something only granola eating hippies would say. In my mind I imagined a cheesy self hug. It had no meaning to me. It didn't sound tangible. For the life of me I could not figure out why my doctor asked me that question, and in leaving her office that day, unbeknownst to me, I would spend nearly a decade of my life figuring it out.

What I can say for certain now is that there is no easy way to find the answer and that pain and shame are the EXACT avenues that will provide the answer IF you are willing to walk down that road, take full responsibility for recreating the pain in your life, and forgive yourself for being unaware that you were doing it in the first place.

I wish at the time I had the likes of Brene Brown and others like her at the tip of my awareness. It would have perhaps felt less lonely. But the other thing I also know for certain is that learning what self love actually feels like, is ultimately a solo journey. And it is perhaps why, it makes the process even more scary... and why so few want to do it.

The final thing I know for sure is that on the other side of the depths of pain and shame is an indescribable peace. It doesn't mean life gets any easier, but it does create less self wobble. In that centered unshakeable place is where the garden of self love exists. And from there all external love with people, places, or things becomes so much richer that it will feel like that moment you first tried your favorite food...

May you all find the courage to take one more solitary step on your path to your I AM love presence. And may you forever use Valentine's Day as a celebration of how far you have come each year in that pursuit.