Itching for Truth

Here we are. The end of another pandemic year, another holiday season, and the change in day light savings time that makes midnight occur at 6pm every evening. It's always amazing to me how quickly time goes by and also how long a year can feel. Equally amazing is how early I feel like going to bed now!

The shift in daylight, seasons and life style patterns naturally bring up a year in review like the latest highlight real on a morning television show. On one hand I feel extremely accomplished in that I've taken classes to develop new communications skills, read 11-going-on-12 books, got some of my financial goals in order, learned about investing, how to build a podcast, discovered my backbone through boundaries, found clarity in some of my life's mysteries, and went deeper into my wellness offerings. On the other hand, I still struggle knowing and seeing the physical manifestation of many of my desires, often getting frustrated at myself and the universe for not delivering them on my timeframe or even in the way that I have determined acceptable. A whole universe of possibilities forced into one tiny pinhole of opportunity. Smart. Super smart.

Since life is at it's essence about relationships, one of those struggles for me and so many others in November were relationships, whether that be with a partner, relative, or workplace. It seems that after two years in deep collective reflection, enduring massive grief, confusion, and anger, we have reached a pinnacle whereby a new understanding of self Truth has begun to emerge. And when a new self Truth surfaces, it naturally has put our relationships to the test. It has to. As we re-learn who we are, we then have to re-introduce our new selves to those around us. And when we are collectively doing this at the same time, we are bound to not only have constant internal explosions but consistent collapses in the way we relate to each other, no matter how long we've been in relationship.

You see when the layers of ego, the sense of self we create from from the external world to verify self-identity and build protection from the "other", has been revealed to us, we have to evaluate it against the truth with a capital 'T'. Truth isn't something we can get from a religious text, self help book, family conditioning, friends, spouses, or jobs. It comes solely from the untouched part of Self, that place that's almost indescribable, sometimes scary, and even elusive.

And when we finally have tested the truth to the Truth and found it to be incongruent, we cannot un-see it nor can we pretend it isn't there. We've been through too much now. To go on the way it was or hold on to the hope of going back to the way something was before because our minds cannot comprehend what is next, feel - on a very physical level - like self harm. It feels like a betrayal to the Self in a very visceral way. At the same time, looking at the difficult things about ourselves in the process of unbecoming all of the things we are not and taking ownership for our own self-destructive choices is equally hard.

Still, we get to choose how to respond to our Truth. We can pretend it's not there and wish for things to change without becoming curious about ourselves first, but it will only make the unbecoming that much more difficult. OR, we can get really honest with ourselves and those we love and let it all fucking crumble in one metaphorical hug. The simple but most honest way to start is just saying, "This no longer feels like it fits and I don't know why or what to do about it.", and let that marinate for awhile...

As you and I re-learn who and what we are both separately and together, keep in mind this coming holiday season that EVERYONE is going through this process. Your brother, mother, cousin, friend, crappy boss, stupid politician, and random stranger are all going through this. It doesn't mean that at the end of the process the same people will play the same roles in our lives or even be there at all. It just means that everything we do from here on out will feel like an itchy, ugly Christmas sweater until it is in alignment with Truth. For me, I prefer life to feel like a soft sweatshirt. So I'm going to keep on keeping on with the discomfort until I can change my attire.