When your practice hits a brick wall...

I have a BIG confession to make. I’m not proud of it, but I’m just going to come out with it:

I haven’t been regularly practicing my yoga or meditation.

I'd like to blame it on the ongoing physical pain from getting rear ended a few months ago, but that wouldn't be entirely true.

Despite knowing on both an intellectual and emotional level how crucial these are to my health and contentment (and wallet?), I have struggled to fully understand why there’s been a problem with consistency. The harder I tried to make better choices, the worse it got and the worse I felt.

You know that feeling you get when you need to call someone but you keep putting it off? How it just makes the situation worse and so you continue NOT to call that person? Ya. That. It’s that moment where shame meets avoidance.

Am I supposed to admit this as a yoga instructor and mindfulness coach? Probably not. But I decided to fess up anyway when – after the 253rd time of walking away from my mat– I came across a reposted article written by the accomplished Judith Hanson Lasater. It was about creating self-discipline in yoga. Alarm bells went off as I said to myself, “Hmm, I should probably pay attention here.”

The first thing that happened while reading the article was my shame of being a hypocrite flaring into a raging wildfire. “No one will ever take me seriously if I can’t even commit to my mat anymore…. Imposter. Imposter. Imposter!” ….And as I allowed this to wash over me, I came upon the following quote: “to lessen your resistance to practice, spend time [asking] yourself what your practice is about today.”

Judith was emphasizing how important clarity is in creating a disciplined practice. In other words, before stepping onto the mat or getting situated to meditate, asking WHY you are there is imperative. What are you attempting to get out of the practice?

Sometimes the answer is simply to get a good sweat or to slow down your brain. At other times the intention is something more complex, such as working through loss. Both are equally great. But the point is that the question must be asked and answered in order to sustain a consistent practice.

But I’ve heard this all before and still, I was walking away from my practice. And so the second thing that happened is the realization that this line of thinking had not been working as of late. I would get to my mat or sit down to breathe and I’d go blank or I had so many issues to pick from that I failed to identify just one to focus on. And so I walked away. I’d leave out my mat, hoping it would be a friendly reminder to revisit later but nonetheless failed to follow through. …And then I’d hide it as if I had just eaten an entire bag of cookies in one sitting.

So I had to figure out another approach. If the usual “why am I here today” wasn’t working to get me to my mat, then what would?

Maybe, I thought, I should create clarity in the reverse. Instead of asking why I was coming to my practice, I should have asked, “Why am I NOT attempting to practice? What intention am I subconsciously setting by not practicing?“

And with that my light bulb clicked on.

As you know, I have had many life changes going on. But what you probably don’t know (because I want to be a positive source of encouragement to others and keep it to myself) is that some days I have been down right exhausted in dealing with them. Sometimes I haven’t wanted to face those changes. Other days I really just haven’t known how to deal. And so my life felt blocked; as though I could not for the life of me move forward. It made me feel frustrated, angry, and even defeated.

And in my denial slash exhaustion to figure out my life, I unconsciously stopped looking at it all together. I avoided dealing with my life in an attempt to “feel better”.

It was reflected in my body too. I had been overly stiff and sore or I had so much energy with nowhere to direct it that I felt like I would explode! The thought of coming to my mat when all I wanted was a massage and a nap was as non-enticing as being locked in a room with snakes. So I stopped going to my mat because that too felt easier.

So it turns out that it was not my resistance to my practice that was the problem. It was resistance to handling difficult life circumstances that was the difficulty. I was not moving my body forward because I was not moving my mind forward.

THIS, my friends, is what we call a breakthrough.

I considered which situations I had been avoiding and what mental blocks I was creating that were now prohibiting me from making a life that mirrored my deepest desires. And you know what? It’s already worked. I’ve handled money situations that had been plaguing me. I’ve taken a few more professional risks that had been a source of fear for me. And while it still feels scary and uncertain, I feel so much better. Not only do I feel like I’m more in control of my circumstances, I also have a newfound desire to regularly return to my mat.

This is yoga, folks. What happens on our mats reflects what happens in our lives and vice versa. Good luck to you this week as you deal with your personal challenges and remember I’m always here for you if you need it.

What keeps you from a regular practice? How can rethinking the question of clarity bring you more clarity? Please share!

#wonky #yoga #resistance #clarity #regular #practice