Your Grudge Contract

I ‘m not proud to admit this, but I’m holding a grudge. I don't like acknowledging it, but I was reminded today of a personal situation involving someone who I’d rather never talk about (let alone think about) ever again. In fact, when this person comes to mind, I still get the very visceral urge to spit on them (FYI future dates and boyfriends: this is not an ex. No need for your gender to ring the alarm bells!). I know that it’s terrible to say out loud. But it’s true. Out of respect I’ll spare the name of this person and the details, but I decided to bring it up to help illustrate how holding grudges keeps us energetically tied to the one we’d rather forget.

An energetic tie happens every day, all day, multiple times a day, and in all types of situations, big and small. Something as minute as a grumpy interaction with the local barista over your morning cup of joe, for instance, can linger with you all morning; maybe all day. I’m sure everyone can relate to a similar scenario. Maybe someone cut you off. Maybe you caught someone talking about you in a less than flattering way. Or maybe your boss was less than kind to you.

It’s understandable that these things can be upsetting. But why do they stay with us long after they happen? You probably will never see the aggressor again. And in case of this barista, you logically know it was just coffee. No big deal. You should be able to recover quickly, right?

Not exactly. You see, that moment with the offender was a kind of silent but nonetheless powerful, energetic contract. Both parties granted permission for the interchange to occur and therefore also agreed to accept the positive or negative outcome of that conversation. Reliving that initial moment in your head – perhaps even replaying it in a way that makes you feel more clever or powerful (“I wish I would have said _____ !”) – means we keep that contract active. And by keeping this agreement active long after we leave a situation, we essentially hold onto the byproduct within our energetic system well after the fact.

The stakes get higher when the offender isn’t a stranger but rather someone whom we have an ongoing relationship. There’s a lengthier contract in place before any offense has even occurred. On top of that, it’s not usually one offense but many (or possibly one very large offense). And so our perception about the person, the relationship, and even ourselves within that relationship morphs into a sort of false reality.

I can attest to this from my own experience. This series of events happened a considerable time ago but I’m still throwing hater-ade like a fire-breathing dragon. Despite the distance from the situation and this person, I have convinced myself I’m seeing all of it more clearly than ever. Unfortunately for both of us that “clarity” isn’t very flattering on their part.

If I were smart I would rip up the contract I made with this person and move on. But instead I draw this person’s foul energy closer and closer to me every time I think about him/her… when I dwell on the situation I was in when it all happened… every time I dream of calling him/her a weird, egotistical narcissist... or writing a blog entry using them to illustrate a point. Yup. I am in fact energetically ASKING to this person be brought close to me rather than permanently away from me. The exact opposite from what I truly want. Super.

I swear. I’m not a completely horrible person. I have had moments of time where I don’t think about this person at all. I have had other moments where I’ve consciously thought through it all and let pieces of it go. But this isn’t ripping up the contract. It’s modifying it. …@#$!

So what now?

I’m going to share something with you fellow grudge holders out there, but before I do, let me warn you that we’re not going to like it.

There are only two steps to destroy a grudge contract:

1. Acknowledge the other person’s humanity

2. Send them positive well wishes

Ha! I told you!

The first step is fairly intuitive. Acknowledge their humanity. This person, despite what I think of him/her, has feelings, a family, and life struggles just as do I. (It’s a lot harder to throw hate towards someone that I have commonalities!) In addition, people are complex beings that have thousands of experiences leading to who they are in the present moment. Acknowledging that someone’s behavior – regardless of how outrageous it appears to us - could be caused by negative experiences inflicted upon them and are unknown to us, allows our ego to take a step back. Through this we have the opportunity to concede to the fact that we’re not working with complete information and thereby cannot accurately judge another.

The second step may seem counter intuitive, especially if you – like me – no longer have any contact with the object of your detest. Each time a negative thought comes up, imagine saying to this person something positive instead. A statement of gratitude that recognizes your grievance but also appreciation for them helping you to learn something about yourself is a good example of this:

*Person*, I don’t agree with your behavior but I thank you for helping me to further recognize my boundaries and what I will and will not allow in my life.

At first it may not feel natural or easy. In fact, it’ll probably feel quite the opposite. But I promise it works as long as you’re consistent and sincere in your effort. In the hardest moments, try to remember that letting go of a grudge and granting forgiveness to someone isn’t a gift to the other person but to you. Good luck!

#yourgrudgecontract #forgiveness #forgive #energy #wonky #yoga